Matthew

Hey all, sorry I took so long updating. Things got busy, and, well, I'll be honest, I got lazy about it.

December, and Christmas with it, went by smoothly. I got what I wanted for Christmas, and got most everyone else what they wanted too.

Wedding plans are going forward nicely, as are plans for a new house. We went and looked at one yesterday, and we both love it. I went and started signing papers today to try to get the house, and will probably get it appraised soon.

Well, crap it, I can't think of a whole lot to talk about right now. I know that a lot happened, I'm just having trouble remembering it all right now. I'll try to update again later, when I can think of more to say.

I'm just doing this to show off something that I really should have done earlier. :)

Wow, two updates in one week! Who knew I had it in me.

Well, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't update now, but I have a few announcements to make.

First, I no longer have a girlfriend. I just can't seem to keep them, I don't know why. Things always change somehow.

Secondly, I now have a fiance. :) We went shopping Monday afternoon, and while looking at rings, she found the perfect one, and I could not make myself leave the store until I bought it. And, once I had the ring in my hand, and her right next to me, I couldn't make myself wait to ask, so I waited till we got back to her car and asked.

Monday was a pretty good day, just because of that, but only pretty good because later that night, she was lying in her bed at JCJC, rolled over to get up, and something in her knee popped. So, I made a flying trip to Quitman that night for her crutches, and have been helping her around ever since. Turns out she has a meniscal tear, which isn't good at all.

And that's about everything that happened in 2 days time. Oh, and I learned how to shave a woman's legs and how to wash a woman's hair too. Tonight, I get to learn how to paint toe nails. I'm learning more and more every day.

Hi all, just thought I'd post a weekend update, to help keep in contact with my friends.

This weekend was awesome. I took Allison home with me to meet my parents for an extended period of time, and so she could look around the Jackson area for some jewelry for the Band's trip to Chicago. We had a blast. She finally met my dad, and got to see how he and my mom act around each other (they like to pick a lot and have fun). We layed on the couch all weekend and watched movies with my family. I loved it.

And no, we didn't tell my parents about our impending engagement. We aren't planning on them finding out until around February, to help keep them from stroking out about this. Oh, and none of my, nor her, parents, know about this website, so this is cool. We want to wait to tell them, firstly to help them adjust to the idea a little better, and secondly because her dad just had open heart surgery not too long ago, so he doesn't need a shock of this size any time soon.

But yeah, this weekend was cool, and the only thing I wish I could change was make it last longer. I know I can't, though, for life must move on. And now, so must I, back to other things. Hope to see some of you online later.

Well, it's been awhile since my last update. So life goes, you have free times, and then you have busy times. I have big news now too.

Firstly, I now have a girlfriend. Yep, that's right, I have a girlfriend. Allison said yes to me, and I've never been happier. She makes me smile, can make me feel better after any kind of day I've had, and she even kicks my ass when I need it. I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me just as much.

Secondly, and this is probably the bigger shock, we want to get married. Yep, married. I know that I love her and never want to lose her, and she feels the same way about me, so we are getting married next year, around Christmas. I know it seems sudden, but we've known each other a lot longer than we've officially been going out, and we are waiting another year before we actually get married, but we've both decided that we found the perfect person in each other, and neither of us want to lose the other one.

So, yeah. Surprise everyone! :)

Yay, today was my birthday, and I had a blast. I got up kinda late, which was good, had to march in a homecoming parade, and then perform in the homecoming game, but it was all fun. I did get to perform a solo at the end of the game today, and I did great and loved it. I went out to eat with my mom, sister, her boyfriend, and my friend Allison.

The thing that made today a really great day was that Allison, my friend,... didn't really do anything that spectacular, at least, not to her. To me, everything was awesome. The only thing she did today was show affection in little ways, and to me, that meant a lot. She didn't make out with me or anything major, all she really did was make me feel wanted and needed. She held on to my cell phone for me, kept my keys for me, gave me a massage on my shoulders after I had marched for awhile, and actually asked me to walk with her to go places. She held my hand when we went out to eat, and did give me one small kiss at the end of the night. Nothing all that spectacular to anyone else, but to me, it was awesome. I felt like I was needed, and like someone actually wanted me, and I don't normally feel like that. Her doing that today just made me feel awesome, and I still feel good now. I just hope this feeling keeps going for awhile.

I posted awhile ago that I thought I was missing and wanting sex and was worried about it. After today, I realize that it isn't sex that I was missing or wanting at all. It was having someone want me and need me. Having someone want and need me, even for a little while, made me happier than sex ever could have.

So yeah, today was an awesome day, even though I am now so sore, it hurts to stand up sometimes. If I had it to do all over again, I would gladly do it again with a smile on my face the whole time.

Well, I managed to get up on time this morning, and was able to take a shower and get all ready. I feel great about that, and I hope I can keep it up. I'm even wearing my contacts today, and that really makes me feel better.

And, with only 2 days left till my birthday, I think I managed to get something for it: new clothes! Considering it's been almost 2-3 years since I got new ones, an update was long overdue. Course, I did buy my own birthday present, but that's fine with me. I never really wanted anything material for my birthday any way. I've always just enjoyed hearing my friends and family tell my happy birthday and giving me a hug.

P.S. I'm starting to post more often on here again (as if you couldn't already tell :) )

...Meh, just a little more self-loathing tonight. I tend to do this at least once I night, this just might be one of my first times doing it on here.

I can't seem to sleep any more. I either end up staying up really late, usually doing anything I can to tire me out, or if I do manage to go to sleep early (i.e. before 2 in the morning), I wake up periodically at night, usually every 2 hours, just long enough to look at the clock, then roll over and go back to sleep. I never wake up when I'm supposed to, it's either 3 hours before, or an hour after. This really sucks.

I really want to get into a good routine, one where I can get used to getting up at the right time, going to bed at a decent hour, and all that jazz. I feel like I won't be able to move on with my life till I can at least get control of my own body and what it does. How can I hope to find someone if I can't wake my own @$$ up in the mornings???

I guess this all comes from a comment a friend made today. I was just trying to joke around and be stupid, and she asked me to act my age. I know I shouldn't let comments like that affect me as much as I do, but her saying it out loud got me to thinking about what everyone else has told me before. Kids from high school, which I have been out of for 2.5 years now, still come up to me and tell me I haven't changed one bit, and might never. For the most part, I'm kinda glad I haven't changed, cause changing to them means being more like them, and I don't want to do that. But, it also means I haven't matured any or grown up, I'm still just some goofy little kid. I want to move past that, I want to be an adult for once.

It's been awhile since my last update. I know, I know, it's not like it's that hard to do. I just haven't really felt like it in awhile. I'm having trouble wanting to even get up in the mornings, much less do anything extra. But, that's a personal problem, and something I need to work through. I was just gonna update all of you on how I was doing.

I still believe something is wrong with me. I know, all of you tried to tell me it wasn't, all my friends at JC try to tell me there is nothing wrong with me, even my mom tells me I'm fine. I still think your all just trying to be nice. Either that, or I want to think that there's something wrong with me, so I have the chance to fix it and then possibly recover something I lost with a girl. I don't like the idea that she just doesn't like me that way, but I know it's a very real possibility. But, that's all old news. I have something new to worry about now.

I think I'm starting to want sex, and I don't like that fact. I know that, being male, some people will just excuse this as my male hormones going crazy, or attribute it to me turning into a regular guy. Both of those scare me too. I don't want to be a regular guy, and I used to be in control of my hormones all the time, I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with them now. I got to thinking about it, and I don't think I miss the actual sex part. While it is nice and feels really good, it doesn't last nearly as long, and makes you feel even worse about yourself afterwards (unless your married, but then you have nothing to be worried about from the rest of this anyway). No, my heart is missing something else, something that feels even better (at least to me), and lasts a whole lot longer. I think I miss the close physical contact with a woman. Just getting to hold her close, feel her skin on my skin, and know that she feels the same right then. That's what I really miss. Everytime I get to hug a friend, I get a small high from the closeness of it. Each hug is like a glimps into a better world, a foreshadow of something more, and it's that more that I really want. I also see that world whenever I kiss someone, but kissing random people isn't my thing. If I kiss a girl, it means something to me, so I don't just go around handing out kisses for nothing. But hugs....

That's what I think I'm missing. I hope it's not really sex I'm after, otherwise just on principle, I'd have to shoot myself. I'm pretty sure it's not, but the only way to really test that is to get that close contact with a woman, and yet not have sex, and see how I feel. The likely hood of me getting that chance, however, is very very slim, so for now, I just have to hope and pray.

I think I'm gonna go play World of Warcraft now and kill random things. Get my mind off of things, let go of it for awhile and come back later to see if anything else was jarred awake from this.

Oh yeah, and my 21st birthday is this next Saturday, the 15th, and I have no clue what I want for it, other than what I've already said (which can't be bought). Any ideas about what I should want are more than welcome.

What is wrong with me? There has to be something, I know there has to be. This happens to me all to often for this just to be a fluke, or just a phase, or to just be the "other person" all the time.

Most girls I talk with end up saying the exact same thing to me every time, or at least something close enough for it to be considered the same thing. I always here stuff like "I wish my boyfriend was as thoughtful as you" or "I wish guys were as nice as your". Just recently, I got "I base how a guy should treat me on how you do treat me". Now, I know all these statements are meant to be compliments, and none of them are givin in the spirit of hatred. But, everytime my warped little mind sees them, it all translates into one simple fact: even though I have all the qualities of a good boyfriend, there is something else there, some small thing, that makes women not want to actually date me, and, therefore, I am broken. Everytime someone says something like that to me, a voice inside of me screams "THEN GO OUT WITH ME!!!" I mean, seriously, if you not diabetic, why would you ever use sugar substitute when you could have actual sugar?

So, after thinking about that for awhile, and considering how many girls like me enough to be really close friends with me, I've come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Either that, or there is something that I am either doing or not doing that just about everyone else knows not to do or to do, as the case may be. So, for those of you who know me, and are just trying to be nice and not saying what it is, BE MEAN AND TELL ME OFF ON WHAT I'M DOING! Don't let me go on doing what I'm doing if you know it's wrong, make me stop. Beat me senseless, use electroshock therapy, cut body parts off, whatever it takes, just do it.

And, just to cut this off, I know it is something to do with me, so don't blame it on the other people. I get far too many "your like a brother" or "your my best friend" type stuff for it not to be something with me. So, just go ahead, let me have it, be rude, mean, cruel, anything you need to be. Yes, it will hurt me, but pain is sometimes necessary. If a bone grows improperly, it must be broken first before it can heal correctly.

a Liberal Christian You scored 30 out of 45 on proximity to orthodoxy!

You are theologically orthodox but more socially liberal, at least in the ways that you imagine Jesus would have been. You believe in spreading the gospel but not in bashing other people to do it. Your beliefs are serious to you, but you probably have a pretty good sense of humor about them too. The Episcopal Church welcomes you! Jesus loves you! (But, you know, not in that way)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 71% on orthodoxy

Link: The What Kind of Christian are You Test written by agape29 on Ok Cupid

Today was a good day, which is always good in of itself, making today even gooder.

Uh, forget I said that...

Anyway, I did have to work in a feed mill all day, but it was ok. I did kinda ask to work with my dad this summer to help me "get buff". Working like I did today (pulling 100 feet of conduit off of a truck, above my head, several different times, bending pipes to correct angles, loading and unloading industrial tools, etc.), I should be building some strength up just fine. Not to mention I try to get at least 20 pushups in every night around midnight. I know, I know, not the best time for a work out, but that's when I like to do it, right before I go to bed so I'm good and tired to sleep better.

And I guess this is my week for phone calls, cause another friend from college, who I haven't heard from all summer, called me today. She only called just to catch up. It was nice to hear from her. I miss hearing her voice, she's just a good friend, and I like those. No pressure, no wondering, just two friends talking. I need a lot more of that. I need to find more friends, and less ex-girlfriends.

I also need to practice my trumpet. Band camp is like in 3 weeks, and I have yet to touch the thing all summer. Going to practice. Laterz.

Today started as a pretty good day. Nothing really bad happened, but nothing good did either. I didn't have to do anything for work, just drive some parts down to Magee and drive back, and I got paid for that. The bad part is, while on the way, a girl I tried to go out with once called me to give me some news. She's married now, and moving to Ohio. I know this shouldn't bother me, and the fact that she is married and moving doesn't. My brain just added some more details to her news that got me feeling aweful. My brain just started asking, "What's wrong with me?"

I guess a little more background is needed. When I say I tried to go out with her, I mean I asked if we could at least go steady, she said maybe, and we stayed in that in-between state for almost 3 months. Never would actually say we were dating, didn't want to run other guys off or anything. As much as I should have just thrown in the towel, I stuck in there and said ok. We did get to "know" each other on several occasions, but she still wouldn't call me boyfriend, and I couldn't call her girlfriend. I should have got out then, but I was stubborn and stuck it out. This lasted until around Christmas of last year.

At that time, she started talking to some other dude, and after only talking to him for about a week or two, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. What I had been trying to do for a few months, this other guy managed to do in as little as a week. She told me that at 2 in the morning, and I just fallen asleep at 12. Needless to say, I didn't sleep any more that night/day. Ended up getting up around 3, going to Wal-Mart, and walking around for 2 hours, not knowing what to do or how to react. I didn't sleep again till that next night.

Though as final as that sounds, it didn't end there. She and this guy didn't last long, as he got drunk and said some things he shouldn't have, so it ended faster than it started. And then I was faced with a dilema. Continue to talk to her and try to be just her friend, or cut her out of my life totally. Being the "nice, big-brother" kind of guy that I am, I couldn't just cut her out. So, I kept talking to her, tried to be just her friend, but it didn't work too well. Even though we were through, our "private get-togethers" didn't stop, which was majorly my fault. I should have said no, been stronger, or just had something else to do. I'm still beating my head into walls over that (literally).

After awhile, I just stopped calling her, and didn't try very hard to answer any of her calls. I didn't go hang out with her, cause I would just go to hang out, and we would end up "hanging out". I was trying to move on, I made no moves toward her like that, but when we just went somewhere, she'd get close to me, and just start kissing me, and...

All of that ended when I left college for home back in May. At that time, I knew she had a boyfriend, and I still talked to her when she called, just trying to be a friend, and distance makes that a lot easier. But, now that I know she's married, that means she met someone within a 3 month period, and not only went out with that person, but actually liked that person enough to marry him. I couldn't even get to the boyfriend stage. That's not a very good ego booster at all.

So, that's where my mind stands. I'm not sure if I should be happy for her, mad at her, pissed at myself, wondering what I am doing (or not doing) that makes me un-boyfriend-able, or if this was just some random thing. Hurts too much to be just random...

My first night drinking, and I don't even manage to get a buzz. Course, I wasn't trying to get one, but everyone else was trying to give me one. Ah well, they'll just have to try harder. ;) I still managed to miss work, though, mainly cause staying up till 4 and then trying to get up by 7:30 to drive an hour and a half isn't very possible, even when your not drunk. Meh, I count this as my mini-vacation, since my mom and sister left me here with my dad while they went off on vacation in Florida. Left me to work all week while they play.

For those of you who were worried for me, my dad didn't ground/hurt/kill me, though I do think he would have liked it better if I called before 1 PM to let him know I'm not dead. Ah well, he didn't say antyhing to me about it when I came in, so I'm not gonna worry about it. Much...

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to Steph. I had a blast. I just hope my 21st is as fun as yours was.

I know that everyone has gotta be somewhere doing something. I just wish my somewhere and something could have been home asleep, and not in a feed mill from 7 this morning till... Just now. I try to keep telling myself that the money is worth it, but I'm not even sure of that. Not to mention I'm doing the wrong kind of work. I'm doing electrical work when I have an Associate's Degree in Web Development. Getting all nasty and greasy in a feed mill versus working from home on a computer? Yeah, I'm in the wrong line of work for now.

Course, this will only last until I start back at college, again. Yes, I know, why go back to a Junior college when I already have my degree from there? ...Just cause I want to. :-P Seriously, that's my only reason. I'm going back for some business classes (and a programming class or two), plus Band, so that one day I can start my own business. I could try to start my own business without this knowledge I'm seeking, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Not to mention, my alternative is to stay at home and keep doing what I am now. No friends, no where to go, doing work I'm not trained (or wanting) to do. Yeah, I'm going back to college to get a break.

Any one think I'm stupid for going back period? Or that I have a good reason to want to go back?

Hi Everybody!
*crowd*Hi Dr. Nic!

... Ok, I know, it's cheesy, but I couldn't resist. Well, if anyone ever finds this, or I ever tell anyone I have this, here it is. Dunno if I'll ever show this to anyone, but who knows. At any rate, first post and all that. Nothing really happened today to warrant this post, I just wanted to. Worked from 5 this morning till 7 tonight, and I get to have another long day tomorrow. Oh goody. Well, on that note, I need to go to sleep.

Laterz